Shakespeare Dictionary

This is copied directly from a paper Ethan handed to me and told me to read. It was too funny not to post. This is his translation from our current language into the way Shakespeare would have said it...

I need to go to the bathroom.
'Tis time I must grant myself relief.

Why is there a guy in a gorilla suit carrying a stuffed giraffe? (Dave and Ethan actually saw some guy doing this the other day... walking down our street. Weird)
I wouldst inquire to the cause for which this man, or be him ape?, delves himself in such humility as to wander such streets as an ape, carrying a mock imitation of a creature, the likes of which mine eyes hadst never seen.

Air guitar is stupid.
O, that these fools, of infinite jest wouldst discontinue such acts of humilitation, flaunting such non-existent means of music.

Jake, you are stupid.
Companion, thou art a fool.

No, yo mama is fat.
Thou arst mistaken, for your maternal companion, ay, even you being the fruit of her womb, showest such unattractive indulgences as stuffing one's mouth with an over excess, nay, a deathly large amount of sustenance.

----Can you see why I just had to post this!?!?!?!?!?